Today is exactly one year from the morning we had our Neuro-Genetics Clinic where they sat us around a conference table and proceeded to tell us that Judson had a leukodystrophy (though they did not know which one), and from my research, I knew this equaled “terminal”.
I sat there holding my beautiful, bright, vibrant, beloved boy as he played with his green pick-up truck on the laminate pine table top and suddenly felt as though he was slipping through my fingers, and as much I tried, I couldn’t hold on to him.
And for almost four months I continued to try to hang on to my boy…but he kept slipping through my fingers…until one wretched Wednesday in November he slipped out my grip completely.
When I think back to the word “terminal” floating around in my mind last year, I recall sitting on the stairs of our home retching and throwing up as the thoughts of losing Jud plagued me. It was too much to bear!!!
But I had no choice-I had to bear it! I had to face the reality of the path being laid before me. I also recognized my desperate need to cling to the One telling me He would not give me more than I can bear.
And something happened.
As Jud began slipping through my fingers, the fingers of my Heavenly Father intensified their grip on me. My Father held me more tightly as I had to hold Jud more loosely.
I am broken over having to let go of my Juddy, but I am grateful that God has not let go of me!