Dear Jud Bud…
My heart longs so deeply for you. This unsatisfied ache of my soul has become part of me…part of each breath, thought, experience…for eight years now.
I was driving along the freeway yesterday and saw an RV lot. I had a memory of discussing that RV lot with you. But then I second-guessed my recollection, wondering whether it was a vision I had created after you were gone where I simply imagined discussing those RV’s with you. I got scared. I got really scared that my memories are fading and I can no longer decipher between the realities of my experiences with you and those I have simply created in my head out of my longings.
On one level I guess it doesn’t really matter whether it actually happened or I just wanted it to happen. But on another level I want my pictures of you to be real and substantive, not imaginary. I hate how time has muddied my memories.
Moreover, I hate how time, so much time, has passed since I held you. I still feel like I’m going to suffocate when I think of that sacred and scarring November 7th, your last day on earth; wrapped up in that one day is the culmination of all the heartbreak and agony of your suffering along with all the devastation of living without you…for eight years now.
I want to feel you. I want to smell you. I want to look into your eyes and have you looking back at me. I want to hear your voice call, “Mommy,” and delight in the fact that I’m the lucky one who gets to be your mom.
And oh I delight in that, Judson. I absolutely cherish being your mom. Then. Now. Forever.
I’m banking on forever.
Loving you with every ounce of my being,
Mommy
7 replies on “Eight Years Now”
Absolutely beautiful and heartbreaking…thank you for continuing to share your journey through the ongoing profound loss of your beautiful boy. Tears!
My heart goes out to and your family. I can't imagine the heartache of losing a child. All I know is that reading your words I can feel the pain and frustration of not having your beautiful little boy with you. I'm deeply sorry that there is nothing in the world that can ease yor pain. I truly believe you will get to hold him again. God bless you. Once again thank you lil Jud.
I can't imagine your grief and how you will always long to hold him one more time. I so admire your courage and strength. Someday in heaven I want to meet you and hold him.
You are ALWAYS in my heart and prayers. Can't imagine the pain. Heaven is sweeter everyday.
Brought me to tears. So sorry for your incredible loss. You are right, you are so lucky to be his mom. What a gift you were given. I wish I could hug him.
I will never fully understand what it is like for you… But your words tell the story and it makes me ache along with you.
When you're alone or feeling lost … Know that someone is praying for you, for your family- to give you strength , to embrace your memories, to spread the word in honor of your sweet child.
Wow I crude when I read your latter so sad no will be together again God bless him