Two years ago, on Halloween, Drake and I spent the evening with a little “Sweet Pea” and a “Car Mechanic”. We went to an event at the fairgrounds where Jud had the chance to sit in a huge Army Jeep, see a Fire Engine, enjoy a small petting zoo, and partake in a few carnival games, all the while getting some major candy loot. Afterwards, we went trick or treating in our neighborhood for the traditional Halloween experience.
I vividly remember walking to the park the next day when Judson enthusiastically asked me, “Can we go trick or treating again today, mommy?” clearly having enjoyed the festivities from the night before.
“Oh Judson, I’m glad you had so much fun last night, but trick or treating only happens on Halloween. Yesterday was Halloween, but not today. We’ll get to go trick or treating again, but we have to wait a WHOLE ‘nother year. That’s a long time, but it will be something to look forward to! We’ll certainly do it again next year.”
Fast forward a year and my son is dying.
I was not even sure whether Jud would live long enough for me to fulfill my promise from the previous year. Krabbe had destroyed so much, and a few days prior to Halloween Judson had caught a virus that had been floating around; it was wreaking havoc on his already diseased system. But I was determined to do what I could so Jud could partake in Halloween again.
Knowing we would be wheeling him around in his blue “race car” if we had the chance to trick or treat, I searched high and low to get him a race car driver costume. It was my hope that he could, if only for a moment, experience a bit of the thrill from the previous year.
Though Judson was so frail, fragile, and even feverish, we decided to go for it. We suited him up that evening for what proved to be the last ride of his life.
Sadly, we had to quickly return home because Jud was struggling—that’s when it hit me—this world held little for him anymore!
Our precious son never left the house again. He died exactly one week later.
Halloween is an extremely painful memory; it represents all that Krabbe stole from our boy and signifies the beginning of the end.
So sorry for the horrid memory. What a great "mechanic" picture!! 🙂
I am so sorry to hear that. 🙁 I can’t imagine how painful it’s been for all of you. I’ve been reading your blogs since May/June, I just never commented until now.
I’m sure he enjoyed his last Halloween. 🙂 <3
Dear Christina,
it must be very painfull for your family and you, especially this time of the year. But Judson had his Halloween, you made it happen for him. I know that in some way, he knew. God bless!
I will be wearing my JUD BUD shirt this week.
Jud, I hope there are many fun race car tracks in Heaven and I hope you are showing Jaden how fun it is too. I hope that your "bag of candy" is overflowing up there with Jesus, Judson. You are such a handsome little man. I miss you too. -Lisa Taylor
Christina,
I don’t know what to say…this just breaks my heart. I will be thinking of you all this week as the day of Judson’s passing approaches. I know how hard the one year mark is, it will 2 years for us on Dec. 23rd. I bet Judson, Matthew (if he isn’t "too old" now, haha), and all the other Krabbe Angels had a great Halloween in Heaven, but that sometimes doesn’t ease the pain we feel when think about how much we wish they were here to celebrate with us.
Praying for your family in the days to come.
Love, Marissa (www.caringbridge.org/mi/matthewssmiles)
Christina,
I’ve been in the same frame of mind lately. Who could have possibly foreseen where we’d be today…how our families and our hearts would be changed?
I’m so glad Jud got to have a night of race car trick or treating. He’s such a beautiful boy and so deserving of every treat possible. I hope his smiles, laugh and songs have the same effect on Carmen and all the other angels as they do on everyone here who has had (and continues to have!)the pleasure of having Jud touch their lives.
xo Catherine, Carmen’s mom (just in case the ‘Fenton’ is confusing!)
Christina,
It really hurts to see how Krabbe has stolen so many sweet opportunities from you and from Jud. I wish he had been able to really enjoy last Halloween… but despite his increasing illness I have to imagine that he experienced a sense of pleasure at getting to dress like a race car driver. He had such a great imagination- who knows what he was thinking about during the few moments he got to trick-or-treat?
It’s an understatement to say this next week will be hard. I just think about the terrible anniversary coming up and the heartbreak that will accompany it, and I have such mixed emotions.
I grieve that he is gone. I grieve at the way in which he had to go… for his suffering and for yours. And that grief is mixed with gratitude for the triumph we have in Jesus Christ who will someday take the sting out of Jud’s ordeal, and who made it possible for Jud to experience healing and LIFE (even if not the kind we had pleaded for).
Praying for you…
Rebekah
I truly understand, Christina, as Halloween last year was the last holiday that Kenji could see anything…fast forward 2 weeks, he was completely blind, fighting with all his little might, a battle he would not win. I am thinking of you, knowing the anniversary of his death is on the 7th, and I wish i had the right words to say to you. i know nothing will ever make us feel better as we have lost a big part of our hearts. Know that you have a friend in me and I am always available if you need to talk, cry, whatever. Take care. Love,Kenji’s mommy
Christina,
I thought of you all sooooo much on Halloween and prayed so much for you. I’m so happy to see that you had a special and fun time with Jessie this year–she is TOO CUTE in her ladybug costume!! 🙂
My heart is with you every day. Mark and I are praying for you and Drake this week–"God, please carry them through this week, one moment and day at a time. Hold them close to You. Be their strength. Be ALL that they need this week, especially on November 7th. Oh, Lord, we cry out to You to help them! In Jesus’ name, Amen."
We were told last Halloween, while Grey had been admitted for "failure to thrive", that they thought the chances of him being terminal were about 90%. They wanted to keep him until Monday to do a second MRI. We discharged him and took him trick-or-treating. He was the cutest giraffe. It was his first, and only, Halloween. But he had a blast! I’ll be think of you, especially through the next few weeks. This time too was the start of the end for us.