Judson's Legacy

Monumental

Jud Wreath

Dear Buddy Boo…

Is it really ten??!? Ten years? Ten whole years I’ve lived without you.

I find it hard to grasp, hard to comprehend. I get a lump in my throat when I consider the reality of what ten years means. It’s significant. Ten years is, in fact, monumental.

It’s monumentally painful and it’s monumentally hopeful.

It hurts to reflect on these last ten years and how I’ve had to experience every single moment without you. Nothing has been complete. Nothing has felt whole. Nothing.

And yet, I actually marvel that I’ve made it ten years.

Ten  MINUTES after I lost you, I was cleaning your body and putting a fresh diaper and clothes on your lifeless form. It was unfathomable. I expected the fullness of life to return to your flesh and bones; it just had to.

Ten HOURS after I lost you, I was saying goodbye to your body. I didn’t actually realize it would be the last time (this side of heaven) I would lay eyes on your beautiful face or hold your frame—the one I had birthed, held, kissed, and nurtured. It felt impossible this was the end.

Ten DAYS after I lost you, I was in shock. I was in a daze, trying to make sense of what had transpired. How could you be gone? I had been gutted and I had this huge gaping wound. Raw. Exposed. Grave. This gash, the wound of losing you, was unbearable.

Ten MONTHS after I lost you, I thought I would suffocate from the pain. I couldn’t breathe. This heavy weight of loss threatened to strangle me. I was learning to live one moment at a time, but enduring the rest of my life without you felt unsurvivable.

Now it’s been ten years… TEN YEARS! What was unfathomable, is now known. What was impossible, is now doable. What was unbearable, is now my normal. What was unsurvivable, has become livable. I have actually endured ten whole years without you.

My longings for you remain unchanged, Juddy, but what has changed is my ability to live with those longings. I’ve learned, over time, to simultaneously carry joy and pain in a more holistic way. Yet, my varied emotions still seem to reside on the surface of each moment, wherein all my feelings are easily accessible; this can be both beautiful…and challenging (the tears still spill out of me without warning). But because of you, my sweet boy, I experience all of life with greater depth of feeling,

And I deeply feel your absence, Jud Bud. With every breath. Still. But I’ve been doing this for ten years now. I. Have. Been. Doing. This. For. Ten. Years. And I will keep doing this until we are reunited in the presence of the One who holds you now.

It’s monumental, my sweet boy. Ten years without you is monumental. But what’s even more monumental is YOU. You continue to be a monument of God’s love, faithfulness, joy, and hope.  I love you so much, Buddy Boo!

With all my heart,
Mommy

IMG-1240IMG-5906

16 Responses to "Monumental"

  1. Juliette says:

    This message is heart wrenching yet gives me so much strength in our very different but also unthinkable circumstances. Judson, your parents are amazing people whom you have made stronger by your life and continued presence among loved ones and strangers like me. I hope to meet you, young prince of peace, in the joy of the heavens when my day arrives.

    • Judson's Legacy says:

      Thank you, Juliette. We are sorry you are going through unthinkable circumstances. Your words about Jud are a gift!

  2. Mandy says:

    For me it’s 5 years. I know I am forever changed and the feelings you describe will always be with me. My angels name is Corey. ❤️❤️❤️

  3. Mary Zollman says:

    I’m crying now, for you, Drake, Jessie, your families and for our world…but not for Judson. He’s in the presence of The loving holy perfect One! I love you Christina and hurt with your hurt. I’m thankful you’re surviving and now thriving in the Monumental!

  4. Michelle S. says:

    Its been 15 yrs since I lost my precious 8 mos old daughter. She was my all at the time and only child. I have to tell you that you hit it right on with all my feelings in this post. Its a pain; an ache that crops up intermittently and probabaly always will until I see her again. That doesnt mean I am not healthy (I went to lots of counseling) or happy or grateful for what I have now but instead of expecting Id never feel hurt anymore after a certain amount of time like I used to I now realize that grief is a lifelong process. And it doesnt mean Im forever damaged. It means I loved. I truly and deeply loved. Same as I love my boys now. Theyve grown up with me talking about her and they also cant wait to see her. She is the big sis they cant wait to meet and that warms my heart so much. Blessings your way and know that my heart is with you.

    • Judson's Legacy says:

      Michelle, thank you for sharing about your daughter and I so appreciate your perspective on grief…after 15 years. I am so sorry you also know the pain of losing your precious child, but I love the anticipation of your whole family to see her. “Just a few more weary days…” With love and hope, Christina

  5. Kristy says:

    Ten years…. sigh… it feels like yesterday and at the same time a lifetime ago. I know I’ve said this several times in the past, but it bears repeating: whenever Maggie has her moments or milestones, your sweet Judson is never too far from my thoughts. (Which means you Drake and Jessie are right there in my heart as well❤️)
    Press on, Christina; you are one inspiring and faithful servant!

    • Judson's Legacy says:

      It always gets to me when you mention Maggie and her moments, Kristy. Your sensitivity to our loss through the eyes of your little girt means a ton! Sending you love. ~Christina

  6. John says:

    Happy Birthday Jud! Continue to push your legacy in Indiana, continue to fall on deaf ears!

  7. Shanna says:

    Love you! Saying a prayer for you all. What a special little guy you have and I love how you continue to keep his memory alive.

  8. Altynay says:

    Dear Christina,

    I’m a medical student. Two month ago I became familiar with Judson in one of my courses. Since then my heart aches and I thought about sweet Judson every night. His eyes and his voice always will be in my heart. I never knew him, but somehow I’m connected to him now. He is special and always will be.

    Judson’s mum and dad,

    You are a gift in Judson’s life. I want to hug you and say thank you when I will be in US.

    With great love,

    Altynay

    • Judson's Legacy says:

      Altynay…you have no idea how touched we are by your words. We are so grateful for your efforts to make a difference as a medical student and it means so much to know that Judson touched your heart in this way. May your efforts to care for the medically fragile be a huge blessing to those with whom you connect.

Share Your Thoughts...