Judson's Legacy

Two Whole Years

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My Dear Jud Bud,

I’m sitting here in your bean bag chair trying to remember what it felt like to embrace your young body, to have your head find rest on my chest as I stroked your soft blonde hair and smelled your sweet breath.  You feel so far away. 

Those bleakly surreal moments when you breathed your last breaths while I held you in this plush khaki chair exactly two years ago are horrible to even imagine and impossible to consider having to bear.  Yet, it is hard to swallow that those memories are my real life experience replaying over and over in my head, your death being something I actually endured and must continue to endure every day.  The moment I lost you has reshaped my every moment since.

The years of your life may have been short and only a small fraction of my time here on earth, but your imprint more significant than all my years put together.  You have forever marked me with your sweet spirit, contagious smile, precious voice, amazing mind, playful antics, and incomprehensible joy.  You are a beautiful boy, Judson, a beautiful, beautiful boy. 

While many parents are cheering for their children today on the sidelines of soccer games, I am left to simply wish we were doing the same for you.  But instead we are tying ribbons on your tree, lighting a candle, wearing our Jud Bud shirts, and grieving.  My entire being continues to inexpressibly long for you like an unquenched thirst.  My mind tries desperately to imagine who you might now be and how you would have developed with age.  But it just leaves my soul parched. 

And although these two years have been filled with pain and sorrow for me, I find great solace in knowing you’ve had two glorious years in heaven.  Instead of running across a soccer field, I visualize you running through a huge field of yellow daisies, gorgeous snow-capped mountains in the background, laughing and jumping with Mr. Turney.  As beautiful as you were here on earth, you must absolutely radiate splendor in heaven.  You are complete.  You are whole.  You are unbroken.  Your beauty now perfect.

I can’t wait to see you vivacious and alive again!

Periodically in church we sing In the Sweet Bye and Bye and with tears streaming down my face I imagine our reunion on that beautiful shore.  As you are splashing and playing in an ocean alcove, my presence catches your eye and with indescribable joy you run with outstretched arms into my embrace.

Then we shall sing on that beautiful shore
The melodious songs of the blessed;
And our spirits shall sorrow no more,
Not a sigh for the blessing of rest.
To our bountiful Father above,
We will offer our tribute of praise
For the glorious gift of His love
And the blessings that hallow our days

I long to know more deeply the Jesus whose arms embrace you now.  I want your story, our story, to reflect His story.  I want my brokenness to point to His grace, mercy, and love.  I want to be His, like you are His.

I will, no doubt spend the rest of my life being thirsty for you, Jud, but I cling to the hope that someday the river will flow abundantly into my dehydrated soul, setting me free from this fallen world; every tear will be wiped from my eyes and there will be no more death, mourning, crying, or pain.  In the meantime, I want to be faithful with the life God has given me.

My love for you continues to grow, Judson.  I miss you terribly, but I’ll see you soon (though not soon enough)! 

With my whole heart,
Mommy

15 Responses to "Two Whole Years"

  1. Bronwyn says:

    You are especially in my prayers today.

  2. Christie says:

    You’re in my prayers today. I remember how shocked and saddened I was upon learning of Jud’s passing; its hard to believe its been two years.

  3. Samanta says:

    Dear Christina, your words feel my heart with pain and sorrow for your incomplete world without Jud, but I know you have a mission here on Earth, and you are beautifully fulfilling it. Thank you again and again for opening your life to us.
    With all my love,
    Samanta.

  4. Kara Judd says:

    Dear Christina and family-

    I am saying prayers today for you and your family even though this is a sad day your little boy is looking down at you smiling. I cannot imagine the pain of losing a child, I can only imagine that the pain is terrible for you and your family as your little boy will always be with you forever. I am just so sad because he was so cute, sweet and so smart. Just watching him on You Tube was amazing and brought tears to my eyes.

    May you remember him everyday in your heart.

    When the sun comes out

    When the trees sway

    When the moon

  5. Cindy Christeson says:

    Oh sweet Christina, I ache with your ache and grieve with your loss….but I love picturing your precious little boy running in total health through fields of daisies and laughing gleefully. Perhaps today our Amy is running and playing with him in the beauty of heaven and the fullness of God. I understand your thirst of longing for him, and I pray that God give you extra tastes of His sweetness. Love and hugs to you, Cindy Christeson

  6. Lora says:

    Thinking of you today, Christina and praying always. As the mother of a child with a terminal disease; I have seen many parent’s lose their children over the years. What I posted below was borrowed from one of their websites.I can only imagine the pain you feel everyday. But, especially on the day that Judson went to be with Jesus.

    "They say that time in Heaven is compared to the "blink of an eye" for us on this earth. Sometimes it helps me to think of my son running ahead of me through a beautiful field of wildflowers and butterflies. So happy and completely caught up in what he is doing, that by the time he turns around to see if I’m behind him…I will be."

  7. Michal says:

    Dear dear Christina,(Drake and Jessie, too),

    May you feel the flow of Living Water quenching your thirst and wiping every tear from your eyes. "If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink. For the Scriptures declare that rivers of living water shall flow from the inmost being of anyone who believes in me." John 7:38

    As you mourn with hope, may you know fullness of joy today in the deep empty places. You are his own loving mommy who needed to hold him on earth. Now, may you feel Jud’s on-going companionship as he encourages you to dance on earth in fields like the beautiful scene you posted today. You dance with a limp but you dance together with Jessie and Drake in a ring with Jud laughing in the middle. You are parents to be celebrated. Well done, good and faithful parents.

    With Christ’s love and many prayers, Michal

  8. lisa taylor says:

    Dearest Judson,

    How is it that 2 years without you here is so painful considering I was never lucky enough to touch your skin in this life. Today I will "celebrate" with your Mommy and Daddy and Sister, your death day. I wish with all that I am, that I never came to love you through your death and all that ties us together forever. I wish I never saw a single video, listened to you sing or watched you play. I wish I hadn’t heard of your story. I wish I never met your wonderful parents and little sister…………….. for if I didn’t, that would mean you would be alive and healthy and here today. I know that you are happy and without concern, in Heaven. I know that you received your gift of eternal life early, I know there is nothing you need, or fear or want, where you are now. Mostly I know you suffer no more………………….. but we, who are left here waiting our turn, suffer so much with out you.

    Your Mommy is such a precious lady and a good friend of mine. I have read in several places that the 2 year mark is actually the worst for a mother. I know she cries, and has fears, and longs, so badly, to kiss your face. I know she has such a need for you and it will never go away………… I know she suffers. But I also suspect that she would gladly suffer every moment for the rest of her life just to know that you, precious boy, no longer do.

    Jud, if you can, send your Mommy kisses in her sleep every night, so that she may endure another year with out you.

    Your Krabbe Auntie,
    Lisa Taylor

  9. June says:

    Dear Christina and Drake,
    My heart breaks…..Oh for that day – that wonderful day when you see Judson again. I often try to picture him, at nearly age 5, what would he be like -that sweet, loving, precious child, who cared so much about everyone he knew and met. What a beautiful spirit we all knew in him – and will continue to love. I miss my sweet little friend and I weep with you.

    With Love and Sadness as we remember this day.

  10. Stephanie Bonomo says:

    Dear Christina,

    I just wanted to let you know that I have been thinking of Judson all day. I hope in such a day of heartache you are able to find comfort and peace. Your son is absolutely amazing! Since the first time I found Judson’s story several months back, when we suspected Kennedy to have Krabbes, I have never forgotten him. There is something about him that draws me in. Something in his eyes that makes me smile and cry all at the same time. He is amazing, handsome, and intelligent beyond his years.

    I hope you and your family are doing well. Kennedy and I just said our prayers for the evening and we were sure to include Judson and the entire Lavasheff Family! Please stay strong and continue to believe…..I know Judson is doing amazing – he is free!

    Love Stephanie Bonomo
    http://www.kennedybonomo.blogspot.com

  11. Melanie MacPherson says:

    Just to let you know im thinking of you, two years have passed so quickly.

    You have been doing amazing things in Juds memory and have touched so many lives. His life was so important and will never be forgot.

    Love
    Melanie xx

  12. sabrina gavriilidis says:

    Two years really have gone buy so quickly. Isn’t it strange how it can feel like a blink of an eye and a lifetime all at the same time?

    On the anniversary of Jud’s passing, we were sitting in the Chapel at St. Joseph’s hospital, attending their annual "Day of Rememberance." While I shed many tears for my baby, I also shed some for your Jud, knowing it was his two year mark.

    You are such a wonderful mother and the things you have done over the past two years in Jud’s memory are amazing.

    I continue to watch Jud’s video’s on occasion. It never ceases to amaze me how his love pours through every video. My favorite part continues to be when he says, "Merry Christmas Mommy!" It makes my heart overflow every time I hear him say it. Your boy, your Jud bud, is most definitely a beautiful, beautiful boy.

    Sincerely,
    Sabrina Gavriilidis

  13. Kelly says:

    With tears streaming down, I’m praying for you guys still…Love to all of you. Thank you for being faithful in writing down your journey with Judd. You are making me a better mommy to Noah and Ethan each entry I read…each day I have with them.

  14. Catherine Fenton says:

    Christina,

    I apologize for getting this message to you late – I’ve been busy and away from my computer a lot. But, I did know that the 7th was the 2 year anniversary of Jud leaving his physical being and I thought of you all a lot that day.
    Your little boy is such a blessing and a gift. It’s almost impossible to believe that someone so special would have the gift of life taken away at such a young age. I often catch myself staring at a little girl who’d be close to Carmen’s age today and have to remind myself ‘value Carmen for who she is and what she was’. Jud’s life was filled with a love and a light like no other. Most 80 year old’s don’t touch a fraction of the lives that Jud did and continues to do. I look at my oldest daughter, an extremely bright, socially aware child who is so smart she’s continually let down by life: pound for pound her little sister had a happier life.
    As I said, Judson was a gift to us all, and so is your presence in my life. Next year I hope to get more time to talk at the symposium!
    There’s a Rabinadrath Tagore quote that goes "the more you have, the more you have to fear". I feel that Carmen and Judson taught us how to live life back at it’s basest pleasures and to want for nothing more but to breathe, laugh and love.
    Lots of love to you,
    xo C

  15. melanie says:

    Sorry to be writing this later, but wanted you to know that I still think of and pray for you all often. I still grieve with you that you don’t get to hold Judson until the other side of heaven. I am so encouraged that, like Psalm 13, you still praise God in the midst of your agony. Thank you for being an example to all of us.

    With much love, the Sunukjians

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