Dear Judson,

Today is Mothers’ Day.

As I lay here by your graveside, tracing the lines of your face on a portrait cast in stone, I hear in my memory the sweetness of your voice and the music of your laughter.  I long to be with you.

I recall the second to last time I held you, as your warm body laid on my chest while I sat in the bean bag chair.  I felt as though your soul was melting into mine, as if your very heart reached down into my heart and they fused together-my whole body tingled; it was the sweetest experience on the most grievous day of my life.  As with any child, you are part of me, but I also know you left a piece of you with me.

My dear buddy, I am surrounded today at the memorial park by many children grieving the loss of their mothers, but there are few mothers grieving the loss of a child.  You broke the norm by leaving me first.

Actually, in your short life, you broke many norms. 

I remember sitting in church with you when you were about 5 months old and someone told me that you seemed to have an “old soul,” as if your eyes had the wisdom of someone who had lived many years.  I thought it a strange comment at the time, but looking back, I think they proved to be right.  We used to say that you were living well beyond your months, but I think, in fact, you were living well beyond your years-cramming the kindness, sensitivity, sharpness, humor, and insight of an adult into your little 2 ½ year old life.  I wish you didn’t have to, but I am so glad you did!

God made an amazing boy when He created you, Jud.  Though it hurts so much to be your mom because you are now gone, I wouldn’t trade a single moment of my time with you for a lessening of the pain.

Your suffering and death may be my sorrow, but you are my joy!

I’ll see you soon, Judson!   In the meantime, I will cherish the piece of you that you left with me-this is my Mothers’ Day gift!!!

With all my love,
Mommy