Judson's Legacy

Turn Back Time

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My Dear Jud Bud…

We have now reached three years of living in the wake of your death and yet you were unable to even reach three years of life; this notion is unbearable—yet I live in it daily.

As people turn their clocks back an hour today, marking the end of daylight savings time, I find myself dreaming of turning my clock back four years, to the days when you were healthy and whole, the days when my love for you was expressed tangibly and not abstractly, the days when our family was not fractured by death.

And I am not the only one yearning to turn back time…Jessie has been expressing similar longings.  Two nights ago, as daddy was snuggling with her in bed I heard her declare, “I wish I could be a baby again.”  When your daddy inquired further she stated, gripped with emotion, “I wanna be a baby again because then Juddy would still be here.  I wish he didn’t have Krabbe disease because I want him to be here.  I know he is in heaven but I want to play with him.  I would be able to play with him every day.  He loved me and took care of me and played with me.  I want to be able to jump on him again. How happy those times were! “

Yes, Juddy, how happy those times were!  I miss the days when life was not lived under the shadow of brokenness over losing you.  I miss you!!!

I have an insatiable, un-waning thirst for you.  I try to drink you in through your pictures and videos, but it is like parched lips hoping to be satisfied by photos of water—when only real liquid can hydrate.  All the beautiful images I have of you often seem to intensify my ache, rather than satisfy; this thirst can only be fulfilled when I actually have you in my arms again.

And so in the same breath that I dream of turning back time, I also dream of catapulting forward in time—to the moment I will hold you again, to the day when all my thirsts will finally be satisfied, to the time when my broken heart will be restored, and when all my hopes of living life with you will be realized as I join you in the glorious light of our Lord whose sacrifice makes our love eternal.

However, for now, I must live in the present, unable to go backward or forward, bound by time, and living in the ambiguity created by the veil between us.  You are no longer who you were and yet I know not who you are now, but all the while my love sustains.  And just as my love is undying, Judson, the gift of your love and life continues to multiply.  Thank you for just being you—the little boy whose heart was uniquely tied to the eternal, sweetly reshaping my life.

You know how much I hurt without you, but I also rejoice because of you.  And I call upon God for the strength to surrender my broken heart and allow his Living Water, that delivered you from death to life, to come and flow over me, giving me the fortitude to live wholly until we are together again.

I love you so much, Judson, and I miss you with every breath.

Longingly,
Mommy

 

Posted also today: Levasheff Update, “Three Years Without Jud” and Drake’s letter to Jud, “A Short, Sweet Song

10 Responses to "Turn Back Time"

  1. Freya Remmer says:

    Christina,

    This is beautifully written- beautiful on so many levels. I prayed intensely for you throughout the day yesterday, asking God to give you that strength your talking about in your letter to Jud.

    I will continue to pray today that your broken-heart feels a little bit of peace today, maybe it could feel the overwhelming peace that passes our understanding- I imagine it may feel like it might not, but let’s keep asking… Walk by faith and not by sight.

    Thanks for your wisdom and guidance. I don’t think you know at what level you give it. I’m sure it’s part of God’s "working it all out for good".

    Love to you,

    Freya

  2. Mike says:

    Keep looking to God. Keep enduring. Stand firm. Fight the good fight. God is cheering you on. God is refining you. God shared with us that suffering produces endurance and endurance produces hope. (rom. 5:3)

    Numbers 6:24-26
    "The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace."

    I care about you and want to encourage you best I know how.

    Peace,

    Mike

  3. Anna says:

    Thank you for sharing your heart once again. So many people are lifting you up in prayer – including me. May God carry you through today and every day until you are reunited with your precious boy.

  4. debbie says:

    Thank you for that prayer…beautifully said.

  5. Samanta says:

    Dear Christina, my heart of mother is with you today. I’m beside you, grieving and crying for the loss of your beautiful boy. May God continue giving you those words of spiritual wisdom, so you can share your feelings with others to enrich their lives as well as mine.
    May God let you embrace your Judson with all your love the day He will plan your reunion.

    With all my love,
    Samanta.

  6. melanie says:

    Wow, Christina – such a significant time for you and your family. I’m thankful that Jessie has such good memories of Jud. And I know you would trade it for Jud in a heartbeat, but God has given you such a gift to express your thoughts and emotions – one that others only dream of having. Thanks again for letting us share in your life. It is a privilege.

    I thought of you (and Kirsten) when I heard Heather Williams’ testimony on the radio. She lost her young son, yet wrote a song about it called "Hallelujah." The first words are "Jesus, please come. Please come today." That’s my prayer for you on this day.

  7. JAMIE says:

    yOUR WORDS, LOVE AND INSPIRATION ARE SO WONDERFUL.
    i KNOW NOTHING CAN TAKE THE ACHE AWAY.
    yOU ARE WONDERFUL.

  8. As a mother, I just want you to know that every part of my heart is with you.xoxoxox

  9. Katie says:

    Christina,

    I read this and I cry and cry and cry. I admire you, your strength, your life….I don’t know how you do it. I really don’t. I feel like I would be so angry with God, but you seem so at peace — and I am angry at Him for taking Jud away from you. I just want to reach right into heaven and snatch him back and give him back to you. 🙁

    I don’t tell a lot of people this because it’s not dinner conversation by any stretch of the imagination, but 3 years ago (almost this very week), I attempted suicide. Shortly after that, I found your blog and I was so upset that I had lived and Jud had died. I did not understand why God would let me, someone who wanted to die, live, and yet take your precious baby from you. He deserves to be here. I still don’t understand it. I have a long way to go, but you inspire me so much. I wish I could find the peace you seem to have such a firm grasp on. I realize it’s not easy for you and I sense your pain in your writing, but at the same time, you know who you are in Christ and that He has Jud safely in His arms. I wish I could believe it too. I think it might change things for me.

  10. Hi Mrs. I’m so much touched with the story of your son,of your family.. I’m just sixteen years old now. But you know what? Jud’s life reminded me to be thankful every single day that I live because like Him, we don’t know how long our walk would be.
    I admire you and your family.. I know you what I meant because thousands of people have said it you already.. YOU ARE SO MUCH BLESSED AND FAVORED TO HAVE JUD IN YOUR LIFE. ANd I so much admire how you love and cherish the memories little Jud had left in your hearts.

    GOD LOVES US SO MUCH. Continue the faith Mrs. And keep standing for JESUS EVERY SINGLE DAY.

    I’m becoming speechless because words are not enough to express the gratefulness and happiness to know the story of your family
    I may not know you personally, but one thing is for sure. You are very close to my heart because WE ARE FAMILY IN CHRIST. Godbless you 😉

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