Life without you is now my familiar (just the idea of that is so crushing) and yet everything about living without you feels foreign, something to which I cannot become accustomed.
When you died six years ago the world didn’t notice. Everything kept moving as if nothing had happened. You weren’t a famous or noteworthy figure, you hadn’t accomplished anything extraordinary in this world, you were just a little boy, not even yet three.
I remember stepping outside our home on November 7th, 2007, the day you died, only to discover that the park across from our door was filled with laughter, excitement, and play. How could this be? I thought. I wanted to scream, My son just died! It felt like the world should have stopped, that everyone should have known the gift of life that had just left this earth. But they didn’t know…they didn’t know you existed, much less that you were gone. So the world kept moving, without noticing, without even a pause.
But not for me. My heart was torn in two. You are part of me. Part of me died that day. It has been six years since you breathed your last breath and I am still not accustomed to your death. I never will be. You are my boy and you mean everything to me, Judson. The world may not have noticed your death, but the significance of losing you does not diminish.
I miss you. I miss you with an ache that is unending, a hunger that is insatiable, and a thirst that can’t be quenched.
My comfort comes from knowing you are home, from knowing you are whole, from knowing you are held by the hands that made this world.
I long to be home too. I long to be whole. I long to be held by the hands that made this world. And I long to hold you.
I love you, Judson. I love you so much and miss you with every fiber of my being.
Just a few more weary days,
As I was writing my letter to Jud, Jessie decided to write him a letter too…
I miss you so much. I wish Emma and Sarah could meet you. I wish I could play with you.
I love you so much. I love the kisses you give me. I wish you could come see the movie Planes with us. I’ll know you’re watching from Heaven the whole entire time.
I hope you get my letter of love.