Judson's Legacy

Out of the Blue

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It was probably a sight to see: a little girl walking through the mall dancing, laughing, and singing while holding her mom’s hand.  Meanwhile, unbeknownst to the girl, her mother’s face expressed agony and sorrow as tears poured from her eyes.

One of Judson’s favorite outings before he died was to the Westfield Santa Ana Mall; he would enjoy riding in the free fire-truck strollers (unfortunately, no longer free) and loved playing at the indoor playground with vehicles to drive.  Our boy would regularly request a visit to the Mainplace Mall.

Jessie and I have been there many, many times since Judson’s passing and I am always acutely aware of his absence, but this time it hit me particularly hard…harder than any of the previous visits, even our visits right after he died.  I couldn’t hold in the pain as I imagined my boy holding my other hand while Jessie and I walked through the mall.

Grief is strange in the way that something you regularly see or do can out of the blue affect you like it is the first time you’ve experienced it since your loss.  I can be sitting in Jessie’s room and suddenly be overcome with a wave of grief by something that I do daily.  I can regularly go to the park, read a favorite book of Jud’s, or watch Jessie play with his toys, but without warning those things can unpredictably trigger intense pain.

Judson is gone.  He is gone every day.  He will be gone every day for the rest of my life.  I feel my son’s absence in everything.  But sometime it’s the common experiences that unexpectedly hit me with severity.

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5 Responses to "Out of the Blue"

  1. Stephanie Moe says:

    Thank You Judson for touching my heart!
    and …Christina your little boy made a difference in my life yesterday when I first met him! Thank You!

  2. michele stump says:

    So sorry Christina. I appreciate your honesty so much. Continuing to pray and think of you daily!

  3. Sarah Sproles says:

    Lost my mom when I was 19 after a 5 year battle with brain tumors. I am almost 44 and I still cry about it at the most random times. Grief is strange that way.
    Sorry you had a hard day at the mall.

    Sarah

  4. Jean and Gary Butler says:

    Hold on sweet friend…God is right there holding you up…..love your heart!!!!!
    We so love you~
    Jean and Gary

  5. Sandy Mitchell says:

    Sweet Christina,
    I am so sorry for your pain. If I had one wish, it would be that no parent ever had to lose a child. It is heart wrenching-the pain that you live with. I am continually praying for peace and comfort for your tired and aching heart. Judson was so special.

    lots of love,
    Sandy

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