June 24, 2011

Dear Judson,

It’s your half-birthday.  It’s hard to believe you’ve been a part of our lives for six and a half years now and yet most of that time we’ve been worlds apart.  I often feel like I don’t even know you anymore, and the thought tears me up inside.  Yet, despite the obscurity that has arisen from the distance between us, my love does not wane, it does not diminish…it only grows.  You’re my son!  Just as it is with any parent, my love is not dependent on who you are or what you become…my love is ever-present simply because you are my boy—you are a part of me!

And I am constantly missing part of me.  I miss you like crazy, Jud Bud.  But your absence doesn’t keep us from celebrating you, from celebrating your beautiful life.

It was such a special gift to discover that the movie Cars 2 was being released on your half-birthday—it felt like a little whisper of love from God.  We gathered with family for dinner, had cake and cupcakes in your honor, sang “Happy Birthday” to you, had your sister and cousins blow out the candles, and then watched the film together.  Meanwhile, during the entire movie, I held a new Matchbox car in my hand in your honor, playing with the wheels, as I imagined you might have done, were you to be sitting there next to me.

Oh how I long for you to be sitting next to me.  Sometimes I can practically feel your presence as I imagine you beside me.  Other times it is as though your face is veiled, your voice is muffled, and I cannot feel you.

I want to feel you, Juddy.  I want to feel you again with my fingertips and run my hands through your hair.  I want to see your eyes look directly into mine with your smile that is like no other.  I know these longings will go unsatisfied for the rest of my life…

But not forever.

 I’m banking on forever.  I’ve put all my cards and all my stock into forever.  If I don’t have forever, then I have nothing.  Forever gives me hope.

And hope comes from God, the author of forever—the one who invites us, through his Son, into forever.

You have forever, Judson.  I take solace everyday in the fact that you have forever, without the worries and pains of this world, you have forever with the One you love.

And each day leads me closer to forever too.

Until then, my heart is filled with you!

All my love,
Mommy